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| So I've disappeared off the face of Xanga (and bloggin' in general)... only to reappear in an emotional rant of what's going on... I disappeared mostly because I found nothing comforted anymore... not even writing. 'Cause you see, words became my salvation for so long but once my salvation wasn't my salvation anymore, I totally lost it. Went crazy. And disappeared...
It's been tough, to say the very least, this past year. I found myself in a lot of moments beside myself, not knowing what to feel and how to go about looking towards the future. I spent a lot of time being angry. Angry at the situation. Angry at myself. Angry at life. Angry at the unfairness. But what does anger really do for you? Does it fight off the cancer? The situation? The sad feelings? Anger...did nothing for me but drive me into a dark hole that made me feel like it was impossible to crawl out of ... depression started to peak it's evil head into my thoughts and feelings and whole being...
But, even with all that dealing (or more so, not dealing), I felt like I have this new found perspective on things. My friendships were definitely challenged and realigned. My family was reevaluated. My life... just changed. But still, I felt like I was defined my mother's illness... that cancer, in the end, imprisoned the both us. Brought out the worst of us at times... but the best of us managed to shine through. In this past year, I made a complete role reversal with my mother. I was no longer just her daughter... I was her caretaker, her interpreter, her chauffeur.. but most of all, I also began being her friend.
I gotta say it -- cancer sucks ass. Not the most eloquent of words... but pretty much sums up how it is. It feels like a very parasitic relationship... it just keeps feeding and feeding off of you to a point where you don't even know who you are... But somehow, in some way, in some stroke of magic, you always find your way back to who you really are... even if you get lost from time to time...
I feel stagnant with my life because pretty much I revolve my life around her. Sometimes it feels unfair that I have to put my life on hold in the middle of my 20s for a parent who has terminal cancer... but if I don't do what I have to do now, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I already lost one parent to cancer and some days, I can't really handle the fact that I have to lose another one to this awful characterization of just cells... so I have to embrace her life as much as possible... for as long as possible. Because in the end, you'll never get those moments back...and you'll never get them back...
I dream of a lifetime together... but I'll settle for tomorrow each day...
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| Like a fish out of water, I feel like I'm gasping for air all the time. I'm suffocating myself with all these thoughts that don't make sense and aren't rational but I'm drowning in them. I'm drowning in worry. I'm drowning in sadness. A part of me wants people to feel what I feel so I don't have to feel like I'm so alone. But another part of me feels that one should never wish it upon another. I'm truly feeling heartbreak. Every second of every moment my heart just breaks. | | |
| When I blink, I feel the world changes every single second of every single moment. As I try to capture these moments and embrace it, it flutters away as shutter speed. Limited quantities with limited time. It's never going to feel fair. Never.
I'm six months in with my mother's chemotherapy plan. And for the past six months, I feel like I aged 30 years. The strength feels wavering at times; her battle with cancer consumes my mind and time and days and I find no time to breathe. Sometimes, I just want to breathe. Because sometimes, I feel like cancer is suffocating me as well. Every appointment. Every session. Every problem. Every change in plan. Every kind of news. I feel like it hits me tens times harder... but then again, maybe my mother is way stronger than me and she doesn't let her emotions show.
It's hard to imagine. Some days, it feels surreal. Some days, it's just that dread that never lifts. I try to remain as hopeful and optimistic as possible, but my knowledge about what Stage IV actually means makes the optimism harder to keep in place. The very thought about losing another parent to the same sort of cancer is unimaginable. It's heartbreaking. It's draining. It's life changing.
I know I shouldn't stay fixated on the ending but more on the present day. It's here and abundant and nothing is being taken away. It's difficult sometimes when her emotions and health start to spiral down some days; it's like life is throwing me a sucker punch, giving me no room to get back up and fight. I start to concede. Start to slowing fall to the floor. And throw my hands up in concession.
Light up, light up. As if you have a choice. Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you, dear.
No matter how much this sucks, how many days I beat myself down 'cause I can't help her...can't fix her, how long it takes to for the both of us to accept this, I feel it down to my bones that I have to give my full support. I'm not always calm and collective; I get frustrated at her...more so, frustrated at that she has this disease and I feel like it defines her so greatly. That she lets it define her. It's unfair. I want her to stand up to it, but she already has a lot on her plate...
We need to be strong as long as possible though. We shouldn't go down without a fight. We need to be strong... we need to be strong.
I'm trying to be strong... but some days, I just want to sit and cry.
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| Hello, quarter-life crisis...are you enjoying your stay, consuming my mind?
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| You're a prisoner in your own mind... trapped within the crevices of sadness and worries. Can't even escape, when time is ticking away, reminding you that you're gonna be losing more than you bargained for. Aware of it all, you still don't even how to begin to appreciate the time. Set in denial and don't even know how to turn back the dial. Soaked in sadness, trying to drown your mind and heart and soul of all feelings.
Do you ever feel already buried deep...six feet under scream. But no one hears a thing.
This life never became choice to you... you never had choices to choose from. Whether favorable or unfavorable, you were thrust upon the responsibilities and duties that you uphold. You didn't have the luxury to "find yourself" because that would've meant disregarding your responsibilities and duties. The decisions you have to make...were never the ones you wanted to ever make.
Don't put your trust in walls cause walls will only crush you when they fall...
The walls are the only ones who sees you cry. Views your most vulnerable moments. Yet provide you with no comfort at all.. no comfort all. It's as if you're existence becomes non-existent...and you start to disappear into the darkness of your mind. It's hollow and unforgiving. Relentless and unwilling. As you start screaming it's all unfair but life doesn't even care.
It will continue to deal you shitty hands. Make you feel like your soul is crumbling. And just blatantly break your heart with words. You never knew how much silence and words could break your heart.
What to do now? Pick up the pieces? When each piece you pick up cuts you a little deeper? Hurts you a little more. And makes you weep every single time.
Your mind is getting weary... it can't sustain on all this anymore. The strength that lies within is slowly starting to degrade, day by day, as you feel like your watching an hourglass counting down...
I never count my blessing...I choose to dwell in my disasters...
Another year older...another unhappy birthday.
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